Are You a Real Cyclist?

Have you ever...

Shifted a huge load

What's the biggest thing you've moved? For real cyclists, having cargo doesn't mean you go by car. And we're not just talking plastic carrier bags dangling from the handlebars. We're talking hatstands, vacuum cleaners, sofas, coal bunkers, trees. They've all been biked, and today's trailers can transport anything you could fit in a small car.
Nothing bigger than a puncture repair kit
Big shopping
Mid sized appliance (computer etc)
Comedy items (snooker table, canoe, double bed etc)

Biked Across Britain

The ultimate British ride is Land's End to John O'Groats (the tailwind way). The 900 or so miles take one to three weeks -- plus, if you're doing it for charity, about six months to chase up all your sponsors. Too busy? Sustrans's Coast to Coast (C2C) route is a quick and convenient way to 'do' Britain side-to-side. The inspiring 120-mile route from Workington or Whitehaven to Sunderland or Newcastle can be done easily in a long weekend; a sort of End-to-End Lite.
Coast to Coast
Land's End to John O'Groats
and actually managed to collect all your sponsor money

Biked to work frozen

Score one point for every degree C below zero (max 10) of your coldest-ever commute. "There's no such thing as bad weather, only inadequate clothing"; true, but arriving at work on a winter morning looking like Sir Ranulph Fiennes is rarely looked on as promotional. But then, no-one ever failed to start their bike because of the cold. And carless snowed-up roads under a clear sharp sky are breathtaking. Literally.
Coldest ever commute 0 or above -1 -2 -3 -4 -5 -6 -7 -8 -9 -10 or colder degrees C

Failed a repair

Punctures miles from anywhere are bad enough -- especially back-wheel ones from the invisible gramophone needles infesting cycle tracks. But no points for those. To score here you must
have failed to fix
something major (buckled wheel, blowout, collapsed rack etc)
with hopelessly makeshift tools (eg rock, grass to stuff tyre, coat-hanger)
and had to push or freewheel back to civilisation

Busted the speed limit

Real cyclists know their law. For example, cycle to church on Christmas Day and you contravene the Holy Days Act, 1551 (you must walk). On the other hand, you cannot be charged with speeding on a bike. There is no such offence. (This on the authority of His Honour Patrick Halnan, no less, in a letter to The Times in Nov 1997.) You can be done for cycling "dangerously", "carelessly and inconsiderately" or "furiously"; but if you're safe, careful and considerate, there's nothing to stop you zonking along at 45 in a 30 limit.
Yes I'm a speed demon
Christmas cycling to church (minus 20 pts). Cycling Plus cannot condone breaking the law

Been carless

Few things show as much commitment to two wheels. Bask in the respectful astonishment of friends and relatives as they grapple with the enormity ("but how do you take the kids to school... get the shed back from Homebase... train-and-cycle to Gosport?"). Make them feel guilty (fossil fuels, pollution, asthma, road accidents, etc).
Have always owned a car
Have been or ever were carless for over a year in adult life
Over three years
Carless now

Dripped all day

English rain, unlike foreign precipitation, can also go upwards, sideways and backwards. It knows where your feet are. In cahoots with puddles it will keep them squelching all day. The exquisite dread of putting on wet shoes after camping in the rain is unforgettable.
Yes

Been thrown off bus / train

Bikes on trains? No problem: simply call the information line on your mobile phone to see what changes they made to the regulations that morning. Bikes on coaches? They're welcome, so long as you enclose your machine in a six-foot concrete case that's so convenient to carry around.
Any enforced exit from public transport
under aggravating circumstances (the carriage was empty anyway, you'd checked up by phone before, etc)

Ridden a recumbent

It doesn't matter whether you're for ("easier, faster, better on your back and private parts") or against ("dangerous in traffic, impossible up hills"), just so long as you speak from experience.
I've ridden a 'bent
and careered in circles before falling off first time round. And round and round

Had a bike nicked

Yes I've been the victim of cycle theft
Plus a bonus point if you a) kept looking round the local streets expecting to see it ridden by the thief or b) scanned the paper for reports of someone painfully injured in an accident while riding your machine
But zero pts if you made on the insurance

Been on a demo

In those pub conversations where you put the transport world to rights, your opinion counts double if you've been on a demo. London's Critical Mass rides, usually 5.45pm on the last Friday of the month from the South Bank, are generally sociable, well-attended shows of gentle force from thousands of cyclists simply happening to congregate.
Been on a demo
and you buy the next round

Back-marked in a race

The Ashes. Argentina. Eddie the Eagle. We're obsessive about failure. You get more attention from being a heroic last than an effortless first, in cycling like everything else. Sadly for the sneerers, Audax rides are organised more for sheer enjoyment and personal challenge. They don't publish 'results lists'. Your satisfaction in happily bringing up the rear will be between you and your friends, many of whom you'll have made on the ride.
Yes, I'm no Lance